Ok, so tomorrow I’m getting on a plane to go back to the states to see family and friends, drink tap water and cherry coke, eat real Mexican food, buy conditioner meant for my freakish foreign hair, take bubble baths after eight months of standing showers, freely talk to strangers without having to struggle for words, snorgle my cats, and stock up on books, gossip, and uncensored news.
And I am DAMNED proud of myself that I’m going back to visit after making it eight months in China without turning tail and fleeing. This has been a period of time in which I can definitely say that I’ve Done Something, and it feels good to know that over the last eight months, I’ve actually changed and moved forward in a completely unexpected direction. I’ve had some really frustrating periods of time here, and I’ve gotten alarmingly used to feeling incompetent, dependent, and lost. I’ve got to say, though, that the last couple of months or so have been really, really good China months, in spite of a nasty workload.
I’ve noticed that I have a tendency to channel all of my newbie expat issues (frustration, loneliness, feelings of inadequency and general freaked out-ness) into little things, and I’ve seen other people doing this too. Specifically, if I’m having a Bad China Day, I don’t necessarily start screaming at the government or the crowds of people on the street - all of that bile and anger gets directed 100% at the copy machine at work. The poor thing gets jammed with maddening frequency, and it’s not advanced enough to do double-sided pages or any of the fancy things I’m used to copy machines being able to do. And I swear, when that thing messes up on me at the wrong time, it unleashes a really untoward flood of hostility. It’s not China’s fault that I have problems with the copy machine. If you work in an office anywhere in the world, you will have to deal with paper jams and spacial-conceptual puzzles involving which way to turn the paper, what to do when an extra blank sheet spits out in the middle of your fifty copies of a seven page exam, or which coworker is least likely to mind rampant staple theft. But I have had SCENES with that machine that are completely out of proportion to dealing with a paper jam. When I’m in the office by myself, it’s not uncommon for me to wind up screaming profanity, slamming paper drawers, overheating, and cursing China for allowing this stone age piece of shit to exist in the first place. “If this was any kind of NORMAL country, they’d take the manufacturer out back and shoot him in the head….” etc.
So yeah, the copy machine is basically the barometer for how I’m feeling about my life. I wish I had a more poetic symbol of my mental state than a Xerox machine, but there you have it.
Anyway, I’m pleased to report that lately the odds of me throwing bricks at that unavoidably necessary piece of machinery are really low right now. I’ve been having a really good China time lately (if you take work out of the equation). I’ve been recording voice tracks for an English textbook, and this process requires me to take a lot of solo taxi rides. It’s one of those little things that’s been helping me a LOT. Previously, getting into a taxi and saying my address was a little bit like a key sticking in a door. You say the words over and over again, until finally you jiggle it the right way and something clicks and the driver understands you. On my way to and from the recording studio, though, I’ve been able to fumble my way through a conversation with the drivers, and they’re some of the best, cheapest Chinese teachers I’ve got. It’s a little nerve-wracking, since I really don’t understand much at all, but it makes learning Chinese feel so much more possible when I’m using it and getting things across. I had one guy who spoke a little bit of English, and we spoke a weird hybrid language, randomly inserting English words in Chinese sentences, and laughing at each other and ourselves. It didn’t feel like a struggle - it felt like two people actually communicating as human beings, and it made me feel very good.
I know that I probably won’t stay here long enough to become fluent in Mandarin, but the tiny little chunks I’ve got have been enough to unlock a few tiny Chinese doors, and that’s enough to keep me coming back for more. I’m really excited about coming back after the summer to see how far I can get with it.
However, I’m also really excited about having a break for two weeks… If you’re going to be in New Orleans, Missouri, Harrison, or Fayetteville any time over the next two weeks, let me know, because odds are good that I’d love to see you.
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