I am a RAGING hypochondriac, and you’d think that being aware of my condition would somewhat alleviate it, but no. I’m the girl who had her roommate drive her to the ER late at night due to swollen lymph nodes that I managed to convince myself were rapidly developing masses which would eventually block my air passages, had panic attacks over caffeine-induced heart palpitations (which, of course, made said palpitations worse), etc. I’m sort of in awe of the healthy human body, considering how many things can go horribly wrong with it, and I guess it just seems highly improbable to me that something ISN’T horribly wrong. Does that make sense?
Anyway, since moving to China, which is a BAD place to be spastic about one’s health, I have:
- convinced myself I’d suffered brain damage after drunkenly tumbling off a dance floor
- entertained the notions of SARS and bird flu during the couple of nasty colds I’ve suffered
- memorably panicked after a spectacular commencement of my menstrual cycle in a bar and started wailing to my friends that my kidneys were failing (said friends deserved a medal for how understanding they were about that one)
- had a strep scare
- had a flu scare
- had the usual round of cancer scares (see swollen lymph node episode referenced above)
Weird minor health issues are a whole new game here, though, since going to the doctor is considerably more of an ordeal when you can’t understand what anyone’s saying. It’s also a good idea to pay attention to one’s body and take care of it as best you can. Unfortunately, “paying attention” in my brain is the same process as “blowing things wildly out of proportion.”
So a few days ago I developed a small canker sore in a really uncomfortable place between my gums and my cheek (canker sores are gross, but not communicable). Saturday night we went to Castle Bar to see a show (which I mean to write about at some point), and it started hurting pretty bad. My jaw swelled up a bit, and after confirming that yes, my face was a little swollen, it went from “I’ve got an irritating minor problem” to “OH MY GOD MY JAW IS GOING TO ROT OFF AND I’LL NEVER SMILE, SPEAK, OR EAT AGAIN.” I bore it bravely without complaining for about twenty minutes (and offered many congratulations to myself for such unheard of stoicism), but before the end of the night, I was about to start weeping and thought I would have to sequester myself away and pray that I wasn’t dead due to blood poisoning before the morning.
And the end of this remarkably uninteresting story is that I found a really good cure for those things that’s not nearly as painful as ambesol or any of the other medications. I swished some whiskey around in my mouth for thirty seconds, and I could barely even feel it anymore. So, now you know, if you ever find yourself in need.
5 Comments
I think that swishing whiskey around in your mouth works even when you don’t have a canker sore. Seriously! Try it!
I understand, dude. I got bitten by a stray cat, and ended up calling some lady I hardly know to drive me to the walk-in clinic ten minutes before they closed because I was convinced I had meningitis. Not rabies, not an infection, not cat scratch fever…meningitis. The doctor also wanted to know why, if I was so certain I would get some horrible disease and die from stray cat contact, that was the only reason I ever went to the doctor.
And I’m almost constantly certain I have some parasite or another, and also that I’m pregnant. Which is kind of the same thing, if you think about it (I am so offensive).
In some alternate universe, we’d probably be twins or something.
wow. whiskey really does cure what ails you, then. good to know.
the worst thing you can do as a hypochondriac is to consult WebMD. which will tell you, if you have minor skin irritation that you have syphilis, Lyme disease, or both.
I had a weird rash once, which was poison ivy, then scarlet fever, then a fungus, then a yeast infection, then syphilus, but just turned out to be a common respiratory virus, Pityriasis Rosea.
On the other hand, a friend of mine’s daughter stepped on a nail while helping to clean up after one of Arkansas’ many recent tornados and contacted tetanus. It does happen. Her symptoms include but are by no means limited to lockjaw. Turns out that tetanus comes from a Greek root that means “to stretch” which is what the body does, arching backward when the back muscles spasm. Anne, you’ll love the illustration on Wikkipedia. Anyway, dear young ones, please make sure your tetanus boosters are up to date. My friend’s daughter is recovering, but it’s been an ordeal.
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