God almighty. Next week is finals week, and I’m limping toward the finish line. I’m tired, my students are tired, we’re all sick of each other, and I’m really ready to have a break. Today my IELTS class did a unit on water conservation, and somehow the discussion drifted from ways to conserve water to bathroom vocabulary. Here is a reconstructed dialogue:*
Student A: Teacher! Teacher! What’s the name of the machine that-” [throws up hands in an incomprehensible gesture]
Anne: Um, water fountain? You use it to get a drink of water?
Entire class: [hysterical giggling]
Student B: No, no, no, the machine that you-” [mimics sitting down, grunts pleasurably]
Anne: Toilet. It’s a toilet. Now look at page 78.
Student C: No, no, no, not toilet. It cleans your body. It cleans the ugly thing.
Anne: [inwardly] Oh god. [out loud] Bidet. It’s called a bidet.
Student D: [looks up the word in his dictionary, and then exclaims exuberantly] Yes! It cleans the asshole!
Anne: [feebly] Please, please, please turn to page 78….
Student E: Wait, wait, teacher. Please help us. What is the word for putting something big down?
Anne: Huh?
Student D: Putting something big down! You know, you need the W.C. for five to ten minutes.
Anne: [noting with some pleasure the correct phrase for time duration, which we talked about yesterday] It’s not a very polite thing to talk about…
Student E: But we must know! We will not tell other teachers!
Student A: [remembers] SHIT! It’s called a big shit!
Student B: But it is rude. What is the polite word?
Anne: There’s really not one… please look at the exercise on page 78…
Student E: No, tell us a word for putting down a big thing.
Anne: [grudgingly] taking a monster dump, ok? Now, on page 78…
Student C: Write it, please.
[Anne writes "monster dump" on the board. Then writes "adj" and "n" above it]
Anne: Ok, enough. Can anyone tell me what this chart on page 78 is showing us?
[students do not listen, as they are all busy copying the phrase. Incidentally, I never see my entire class taking notes this diligently.]
I finally managed to get them back on track with IELTS writing techniques, but not after we had to distinguish “dump” from “leak,” and then hash out the reasons that they should not use such words in formal settings like class. Of course, minutes later, one of them raised his hand and announced very loudly, “TEACHER. I MUST TO TAKE A MONSTER DUMP.” The whole class laughed, and I closed my eyes briefly before writing the sentence on the board and having the class explain to the student that we don’t use “to” after “must.”
So yes, vacation in a week and a half…
*Ok, just for the record, they are speaking a very difficult foreign language, with pretty effective communication ability. They absolutely aren’t idiots and I don’t want to sound like I’m making fun of them. I also sincerely admire some of their linguistic creativity (”the ugly thing” “put something big down”). Also, to give them due credit, we had a very good discussion about global warming later that period.
7 Comments
HAHAHAAHA YES!
U6 billy has been perplexing me with this sort of thing. Every day, he comes up to me and mumbles, “Teacher, I must go to the can.”
I’ve never called him out on his superb use of inappropriate slang in the classroom. Perhaps you should have this class with U6 as well.
This ought to be required reading for anyone pursuing a career in TEFL. Well done, you.
I too was a young woman when I started teaching. Now you’ll understand why I look so aged! However, I do need to ask if there is a connection between this post and the one that immediately preceded it. . . and maybe the one that immediately followed it. You MAY NOT move to the Phillipines. I am putting my foot down. There seems to be entirely too much macabre imagination going on there and you know how open to suggestion you are!
You do not look aged! And I don’t think I’ll actually move to the Philippines. You know what happens to me if I stay out in the sun for more than fifteen minutes. But I do object to your logic there - don’t you remember that brief period of time circa eighth grade that I spent pretending to be a vampire (and yes, I DID just admit that on the internet)?
don’t forget “thunder dump”. that one is a HOOT to explain.
You crack me up.
And doesn’t everyone pretend to be a vampire at some point?
Clay, you make me blush.
Jennifer - 1. I’m going to incorporate that into my daily speech as often as possible. 2. My students will love it, especially since we just learned “thunder.” Reinforcement! Yes!
Alanna - fair point, and thank you.
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